“Our doubts are traitors,
and make us lose the good we oft might win,
by fearing to attempt.”
― William Shakespeare

Ash wednesday 2012 was the year I decided to make changes in my life. I decided that in order to become the best possible human I could be, I needed to address the things that I didn’t like about myself. That was the year I decided to work on letting go of the past. Ever since then I’ve been on a continuous journey to self improvement and empowerment. Because of the personal choices I made in 2012, 2013 proved to be a really good year, with everything I wanted happening.  It made me realize how much control I have over my life and how it plays out. 2014 so far is proving to be the same, this year for lent I decided to give up self doubt. I realized that I doubt myself on a constant basis, be it about my career, love, finances, and life. Nothing I do is done on the fly, I over analyze everything because I fear failure, rejection, loss and most of all disillusionment. This by far is proving to be the hardest change, but a necessary one. I started this blog almost four years ago as a way of expressing myself because I rarely reveal my true thoughts, feelings and self, so I guess I can say that my personal growth began then. So to a better 2014 filled with self-discovery, laughter and most of all randomness.

XO,

Cocotteamour

1. I’m lonely so I do lonely things.
2. Loving you was like going to war, I never came back the same.
3. You hate women, just like your father and his father, so it runs in your blood.
4. I was wandering the derelict car park of your heart looking for a ride home.
5. You’re a ghost town I’m too patriotic to leave.
6. I stay because you’re the beginning of the dream I want to remember.
7. I didn’t call him back because he likes his girls voiceless.
8. It’s not that he wants to be a liar, it’s just that he doesn’t know the truth.
9. I couldn’t love you, you were a small war.
10. We covered the smell of loss with jokes.
11. I didn’t want to fail at love like our parents.
12. You made the nomad in me build a house and stay.
13. I’m not a dog.
14. We were trying to prove our blood wrong.
15. I was still lonely so I did even lonelier things.
16. Yes, I’m insecure, but so was my mother and her mother.
17. No, he loves me he just makes me cry a lot.
18. He knows all of my secrets and still wants to kiss me.
19. You were too cruel to love for a long time.
20. It just didn’t work out.
21. My dad walked out one afternoon and never came back.
22. I can’t sleep because I can still taste him in my mouth.
23. I cut him out at the root, he was my favorite tree, rotting, threatening the foundations of my home.
24. The women in my family die waiting
25. Because I didn’t want to die waiting for you.
26. I had to leave, I felt lonely when he held me.
27. You’re the song I rewind until I know all the words and I feel sick.
28. He sent me a text that said ‘I love you so bad’
29. His heart wasn’t as beautiful as his smile.
30. We emotionally manipulated one another until we thought it was love.
31. Forgive me, I was lonely so I chose you.
32. I’m a lover without a lover
33. I’m lovely and lonely.
34. I belong deeply to myself.

by Warsan Shire

Ash Wednesday is the one time of year when I know for a fact that I will see the inside of a church. Lent is the one thing that I have not given up from my Catholic upbringing and I would probably would be just fine with giving up everything from that religion except for Lent.

The past 2 years have really been about learning, growing and becoming a new woman for me and it all started with Lent. Me deciding to be better and truly working on myself has been by far the most painful, eye opening and worth while decision I have made.

2 years ago I decided to work on my self esteem, last year I decided to work on letting go of the past and not letting it dictate my future. This year I decided to continue with the whole becoming a better person and self love journey by working on changing every aspect of me and my life that I am not happy with. It’s has been a tough road, lots of tears, lots of break downs, lots of laughter and lots of growth and I expect nothing less this year.

I also decided to write every accomplishment and every good thing that happens to me this year and putting them in a jar. I want by the end of the year to have a jar full of hand written notes and be in a far better place than I am today.

Ever see someone who seems to have it all but they are just not happy or someone who’s life is just painful to watch? I don’t want to ever be that person, I want to be the best me I can possibly be. Not someone who is without flaws, without fear, without heartache but someone who has acknowledged her imperfections and is a better person because of them.

Looking forward to seeing where you are Winnie, truly.

Happy New year! 2013 is upon us and I am excited! There’s so much to do and plenty of time to do it.

This year I am going to take things slow and will try not to plan out every second of my life. Wish me luck!

The new year always makes people reflect on the past and what the future may hold and thinking about the 12 biggest firsts in your life helps with that.

# 12- Your first kiss- mine happened with this cute cuban boy named Jose. Don’t remember much else about him but boy was he tall dark, handsome and latin 😉

#11- Your first time- having sex for the first time is something special, kinda wish I waited until I got married, or at least until I was in love. Sex is way too special not to.

#10- Your first drive- I remember the first time I drove Odessa, I felt great and unstoppable. My mom bought me a 1992 Toyota Camry my junior year of college. Took many trips in that car. Hell I still drive her :).

#9-First day of school- I remember my first day of 7th grade in the US. I was scared shitless, didn’t speak english but held my head high and acted as if I had no care in the world. I had to fake that kind of confidence, kids can be cruel to a 5 feet skinny girl from a poor country who doesn’t speak english. The next year I was placed in Honors English from ESL (bitches) 😛

#8-First dance-I guess I can count prom as my first dance. It was eh…

#7-First Job-my first job out of college happened before I graduated. I was 21 year old working full time as an accountant and taking night classes. Till this day I have no idea how I managed to do so well that semester. Starting work so early before I graduated was big for me. Getting paid a salary and everything 🙂

#6-First vote- I remember the first time I voted in a presidential election. I was 18 and it felt oh so good. My mom, sister and I had just gotten our citizenship and my mom made it a point to make sure that I registered and that I voted right with her. I will forever be thankful for that opportunity.

#5-First love- still waiting for it, haven’t had it yet and since I am no longer working on timelines, it will happen when its meant to.

#4-First year-the first year as a married couple, please see #5

#3-First apartment-I am dying to make this happen, I hope that it will happen sooner rather than later because family sometimes…-_-

#2-First child- I can’t wait to have mini mes! I’ve been having serious baby fever to the point that my friend Sam insists on me hanging out with her daughter “to cure” me lol.

#1 First grand child- after #2 happens and she/he gets siblings. My mom has been dying for me to give her at least one. Unfortunately she is going to have to wait a few more years 🙂

Below is the link to the article:

http://tinybytes.me/misc/12-biggest-firsts-in-your-life

A few months ago, while laughing with my friend about the latest story about my bad yet laughable dating life, he said in between laughs that my life plays out like a tv show, the Winnie show to be exact. Where every episode is funny, has a life lesson and is always entertaining. What’s the sense in living life if you can’t laugh at yourself right?

Take my speed dating experience for instance. My friend Abby asked me if I was interested in going to one, there was a deal on Living social for $9. So i figured why not, if I met prince charming there I could say that I paid $9 for him. Again I have a good sense of humor about things.

So during our walk to the location Abby starts laughing uncontrollably because she can’t believe that she is about to do it, which of course makes me laugh longer and harder because I couldn’t believe it either. I mean hey, this is NY after all, you haven’t experienced the ENTIRE dating scene if you haven’t gone to speed dating at least once.

So we get this bar/lounge where a bunch of men are just standing or nursing “manly” drinks at the bar. We sign in and get a sheet where we are to list the men we meet by name and circle whoever we make a connection with. Easy enough, but before we start we order drinks, a gin and tonic for her and a rum and coke for me. Pretty soon the women are instructed to go in the room where the event will take place. Abby and I sit next to each and discuss strategy, if he’s a weirdo what to do, how to warn each other give each other heads up on a guy we’re interested in, what questions to ask ect.

*Disclaimer* I am a pretty friendly, outgoing person who can have a conversation with anyone and everyone. I just have that kind of personality and face 🙂

Once the women are seated the men are introduced and the game/event starts. First guy who sits at my table I don’t remember his name but boy was he different. His strategy was to try to sound as exciting, impressive and fun as he could in 5 minutes but failed miserably. All he talked about was how much he parties, how much he loves his job at Tffany & Co. I guess that was supposed to impress me that he could get jewelry at a discount and how much he loves NY, my hair and my dress. He said all of this while smiling, leaning in/invading my personal space and raising his eyebrows. Once the 5 minutes were up he moved on to Abby, I took one look at her when he was talking to her and could tell she was uncomfortable. The next guy was Tao, I remembered his name because he gave me and Abby something to laugh about for months to come. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Hi how are you, my name is Winnie what’s your name?

Tao: Whatever you want it to be *raises eyebrows*, to the woman before me his answer was “S.W.E.E.T”

Me: ok… so what brings you here?

Tao: same thing that brings you.

Me: wait are you being serious or trying to be funny? Where do you live?

Tao: I’m being however you want me to be. I live wherever you want me to live. Do you wanna come over?

The ENTIRE time he was sitting in front of me was spent him answering me that way and me laughing and drinking because I needed to be tipsy to keep going with this…

Poor Abby had to suffer through it next…

One guy told me that he was there to find a woman, not a girlfriend, not someone to date but a woman. Another said that he did it for fun and all he needed was a blunt to make it complete. Another had the audacity to run his hands down my arm telling me how beautiful I was. Another was sooo awkward that he made me uncomfortable. It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable these days so you have to imagine how awkward he was. Come to think of it they were ALL AWKWARD!!!! They all claimed to be shy, and looking for love and not knowing how to talk to beautiful women. Honestly the only reason I wasn’t rude was because I am a sucker for love myself and I know that I was making them nervous for some reason despite me smiling, asking them questions about themselves trying to make it a fun experience. One guy Chris, ah poor Chris was so so shy and awkward that the only reason I remembered his name was because after the event while Abby and I were comparing notes he came to my table to talk to me trying to gage whether I liked him or not, and wanted to know what I was doing after. All he kept saying was how much he’s looking for love, how much fun he is and how different he is. I faked being tired so Abby and I could go get drinks and talk about it some more.

So I didn’t get to meet my $9 prince but I did only pay $8 for two really STONG rum and cokes so I somewhat won right?

Speed dating taught me that there are a lot of people looking for love in this city, TONS, there are also a lot of awkward people in the world, but at the end of the day we’re all looking for the same thing.

Ever been in a situation where you keep looking around thinking that you’re getting punked? Well that was me that night.

Abby and I didn’t find HIM through that experience but hopefully someday soon she and I will, because honestly I’m starting to think my prince charming got hit by a bus or something because he is no where in sight.

And that concludes the Winnie show for today 😉

Rice and beans is a staple in every Haitian household. I’ve had different types from different cultures but I always come back to mine, its simply the best 🙂

What you will need:

1. a bag of goya dry red beans
2. a can of coconut milk
3. adobo (seriously every caribean person uses adobo)
4. scallions
5. parsly
6. thyme
7. onion
8. garlic
9. cooking butter (my family and I use cooking butter in everything 🙂
10. 3tbs of oil
11. Rice (we use basmati rice, by we i mean my family)
12. Habanero pepper

First steps: cooking the beans

1. In a pot dump washed beans add water 3 cups maybe? I don’t know we always eyeball things, add oil, garlic. It normally takes between an hour and 80 minutes for the beans to cooked fully, you want them cooked but not be too mushy.

Lets make rice and beans!

1. In the pot or another pot, start with nothing in it, add oil, scallions, chopped garlic, thyme, parsley, cooking butter and beans (just the beans not the broth) leave that for later and adobo (i dont know how much taste to see how much you need and add it gradually
2. The purpose of this is to let is the bean fry in all of the spices for 10 minutes, the smell is soo tempting!
3. Add the can of coconut milk and let simmer for 10 minutes
4. Next add the broth from the beans and the pepper and let boil
5. Wash rice when water starts to boil and not before you don’t want clumpy rice
6. Taste broth to make sure that it has enough salt, seasonings add more adobo if necessary and then add rice and cover.
7. Once broth is fully evaporated but rice is still undercooked cover with foil paper and lower heat.
8. To make sure that you have nicely cooked rice use the following proportions, 1 cup of rice =1.25 cup of water. Anther trick learned from my mom if your cooking spoon can stand in the pot after you poured the rice in you have enough if it falls you have too much water/broth in take some out.
9. Serve rice with meat, fish or chicken or with legume 🙂

Legume is a staple in our house, its delicious and has vegetables! Every time I make it I think of my granma. She played a major role in my life growing up and even though she got a little crazy in the end she was still my granma, the crazy one who helped my mom take care of Tina and me after our dad died and the one who taught me how to make legume. Below is the eggplant recipe because I like it best.

What you will need:

1. 6 eggplants
2. 1 scallion
3. one onion
4. parsley
5. Adobo
6. cooking butter
7. 5 tbs of oil
8. 1 can of tomato paste
9. thyme
10.  2 limes
11. Habanero pepper
12. one bell pepper green (I just like the color green, it can be red too)
13. frozen bag of lima beans
14. seasoned cooked meat (its sooo good with conch, but you can do it with beef, chicken or pork or all of the above or skip the meat all together)

Its cooking time!

1. Peel off the eggplants and cut then in circles (not sure what the proper english word for it is) and put them to boil in a pot no salt needed you’ll see why later
2. Mash cooked eggplant (make you drain the water out and don’t start mashing until the eggplant has turned into almost mush)
3. In a large pot, put mash eggplant and turn on stove, pour seasoning mixture (see oxtail recipe for it), and let it cook for 20 minutes.
4. Next add chopped, parsley, thyme, onions, bell pepper, scallion, oil, and bag of frozen lima beans, squeeze the limes and stir, let sit for another 15 minutes.
5. Next add some cooking butter and adobo (make sure you keep tasting it to know when you’ve added enough start with a table spoon and go from there.
6. Add the tomato paste and stir and let cook for another 20 minutes.
7. Last but certainly not least add cooked, seasoned meat in mixture, If you are going to add meat hold off on the adobo until after this step to avoid salty food. Let it simmer for 10 minutes and its done!

Legume are delicious with rice and beans or white rice or jus with boiled plantains. Also be sure to not let the pepper burst, it could make it too spicy 🙂

I’m gonna lose this game
I’ve got no poker face
I’m not design for this, this this,
If I could speak in code
I wouldnt be so bold
I can’t control my lips, lips, lips
I never been so alone
I tend to be too loud but
I’m not ashamed of my words

Clearly I’m gone and I’m going
Into the deep end
Far over my head
It’s so unfair I’m gone and its showin
All over my skin
Everyone knows gone and it shows but I don’t care

How do you make me smile
Simply by telling the time
You got the zealous eyes, eyes
I, I could just stare all day lay there and melt away
I’m such a helpless case, case, case
I’m done away with my pride
They say I’m out of my mind
Can’t even say it’s a lie

Clearly I’m gone and I’m going
Into the deep end
Far over my head
It’s so unfair I’m gone and its showin
All over my skin
Everyone knows gone and it shows but I don’t care

Going, going, going, going
Into the deep end, into the deep end
Going, going, going, going
Far

Clearly I’m gone, I’m going
Into the deep in
Far over my head
It’s so unfair I’m gone and its showin
All over my skin
Everyone knows gonna the shows but I don’t care