Sometimes you need to let things go and move on.

I didn’t realize it until recently that I hold on to things/situations/people long after their expiration date.

This too is something I need to work on.

Sometimes you just need to shelve it and move on, not worth it.

WOOT! My birthday is coming up!

I turn 26 this year and I have so many things to look forward to. I can also look back at the past and use those memories to guide me in the present and the future.

Considering that my present is writing this blog at 11:30 on a saturday night,  I want to focus on something more colorful like the past.

One of my favorite bloggers Kiffecoco came up with the idea of looking back at all of the #1 songs in the US on her b’day from the time she was born up until last year. I though that this was a great idea and decided to do the same. I think it makes ones birthday just that much more special. It also gives me a playlist to listen to all of next week. Lets begin with the #1 song in the US on the day I was born:

1. April 22nd 1986: Kiss by Prince and the Revolution
2. April 22nd 1987: I Knew You Were Waiting (for Me) by Aretha Franklin & George Michael
3. April 22nd 1988: Where Do Broken Hearts Go by Whitney Houston
4. April 22nd 1989: Like a Prayer by Madonna
5. April 22nd 1990: Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O’Connor
6. April 22nd 1991: Baby Baby by Amy Grant
7. April 22nd 1992: Jump by Kris Kross
8. April 22nd 1993: Informer by Snow
9. April 22nd 1994: Bump N’ Grind by R Kelly
10. April 22nd 1995: This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan
11. April 22nd 1996: Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion ( I remember trying to sing this song in English in Haiti)
12. April 22nd 1997: Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down by Puff Daddy featuring Ma$e
13. April 22nd 1998: Too Close by Next ( I moved to the US that year and LOVED that song!)
14. April 22nd 1999: No Scrubs by TLC ( ah 7th grade)
15. April 22nd 2000: Maria Maria by Santana featuring The Product G&B
16. April 22nd 2001: All for You by Janet Jackson
17. April 22nd 2002: Foolish by Ashanti
18. April 22nd 2003: In Da Club by 50 cents
19. April 22nd 2004: Yeah! by Usher featuring Ludacris & Lil Jon (PROM!)
20. April 22nd 2005: Candy Shop by 50 cents featuring Olivia
21. April 22nd 2006: Bad Day by Daniel Powter (that was THE worst birthday EVER!)
22. April 22nd 2007: Give It to Me by Timbaland featuring Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake (I turned 21 that year)
23. April 22nd 2008: Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis
24. April 22nd 2009: Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eye Peas
25. April 22nd 2010: Rude Boy by Rihanna
26. April 22nd 2011: E.T by Katy Perry ft. Kanye West
    

“After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”
Aldous Huxley

About a year ago Joanne and I made a long list of things that we want to want to do in life, a bucket list. Hers and mine had quite a few things in common, like learning how to swim, watching a bunch of movies like the Godfather ect. One of the important items on the list was to learn how to make my favorite dishes. Today I did just that, I learned how to make oxtails and seafood in creole sauce (crab legs, shrimp, conch).

I love food, I love my mom and I love her cooking almost as much as I love her, almost. Learning to cook like her is only natural.

So we will begin with the oxtails…umm… oxtails savory melt in your mouth oxtails…

Since they turned out so yummy I figured that I write down everything I did to make sure that I cook it right each time and every time.

Ingredients:

1. 3 lbs of oxtails
2. 1 sour orange
3. 1 green or red sweet pepper
4. 1 scallion
5. 1 onion (medium)
6. 3 limes
7. half a bunch of tyme
8. half a bunch of parsley
9. a garlic head
10. 4 table spoons of vinegar
11. 3 boullion cube
12. 3 packets of sazon con azafran
13. 1 can of tomato paste
14. 1 bag of lima beans

Its cooking time!

1. peel the sour oranges (we save the peel for tea), and squeeze the juice into a bowl, do the same with the limes.
2. Use the pulp from both the sour oranges and the limes to wash the oxtails, rinse with cold water.
3. put all other ingredients minus the lima beans and tomato paste in a blender, add the juice from lime and sour orange and hit blend for 60 seconds.
4. Pour mixture over oxtails and let sit or leave in fridge overnight.
5. When ready to cook, in a large saucepan put 1 1/2 cup of water and add meat one by one, leave seasoning blend aside, and let cook until water is dry, add more water, do that until oxtail is cooked.
6. While the oxtails are cooking, wash lima beans and put in a pot to cook with water (Nathalie you should know how to do that part, if not follow instructions on the bag)
7. When oxtails are cooked, meat should be soft and tender, in a bowl pour the tomato paste  and add (half of a cup) hot water and mix, pour mixture in a pan and cover for a few minutes.
8. Once mixture start to crisp add oxtails, the marinade and cover for 15 minutes.
9. Add cooked lima beans and sliced onions and let it simmer for 10 minutes.
10. ALL DONE! 🙂

IM too lazy to go back and check for typos cuz, but call me when you’re making it ❤

I just met this sexy Haitian girl moving her body like a dancer

Told her and her girlfriends that’s me in my cabana

Ask me where the party at, baby I’m the answer

Have another drink with me shawty, where your manners at?

Today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the first day of Lent.

Today was the first time in a really long time that I actually went to church on this specific day.

Today I decided to let go of yesterday as my penitence.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life.

Yesterday on facebook someone who is my “friend” solely on the fact that I like her hair said something that shook me.

“At least 40 percent of Black girls have been violated sexually. These individuals are our fathers, uncles, grandfathers, cousins, family friends, mother’s boyfriends, baby sisters and pastors-both men and women sickos.” Listen to what the girls in your life won’t say.

Seeing this on my newsfeed brought back a bunch of memories, that for so long I tried to forget. Being sexually violated isn’t something that I will ever forget, something like that never leave you. Up until recently I kept quiet about it, even then it wasn’t something I was really willing to share with people. I kept hoping, waiting for it to go away, but last night my emotions got the best of me and I couldn’t help but cry. For the first time ever I truly cried about what happened, I cried for not saying anything to my mom, to my sisters, I cried because I never spoke up, I cried because after all these years my past still hunts me. I cried for resenting my mother for not protecting me, I cried because I am damaged goods, i just cried and and cried.

I woke up the next day and realized that for the first time in my life i truly acknowledged what happened to me and began accepting it. I began to think about how it affected me all of these years, how it affected my relationship with men, how til this day I am not truly comfortable around a man. Always expecting him to take advantage of me. Always afraid, uncomfortable around men, never truly relaxing around them. For so long I battled with not wanting to be pretty, trying hard not to dress nice because I didn’t want to attract any attention.  In the back of my head  I could still hear him saying that he couldn’t help himself that it was my beauty that made him touch me.

AGH!!! Why did she have to write that? Why did I have to read it?! Why does it still bother me? This thing, has changed me in so many ways. I don’t, cannot, will not talk about my feelings. I started this blog to write about what I won’t say outloud and even then I am cautious about what I say. Because having someone, anyone even those who don’t know me, know how I am feeling or thinking is way too scary. What kind of life is that?

I stay away from men and whenever I find myself attracted to a guy, I don’t know how to deal with any feelings I have about him. I get uncomfortable but somehow expect him to be my knight in shining armor and save me from myself. That kind of twisted and crazy thinking is unhealthy.

This thing affected me so much that I mostly live in a a fantasy land where I know exactly what will happens and no one will ever hurt me because quite frankly reality hurts, but reality is real and I need to be in it to move on.

Before I can even think about meeting someone and falling in love I have some serious self therapy to do.

Self therapy, is that even a word? Whatever the correct phrase is, I need to do it.

So this is me perfectly imperfect, a continuous improvement.

1/08/2012 1:42 AM

It’s funny how things will seem less bleak the moment you change perspective, almost like magic. Every obstacle, heartache, challenge is subjective. I now realize that and can and will take over the world one obstacle at a time.

Feeling poetic tonight. :), I mean this morning.

Sigh, today is Christmas day and I am laying on my couch looking back at this past year and frankly I am not happy. Not happy because I haven’t done as much as I could have this year. I feel like I am in a matrix where I’ve been through this before, felt this way before but here I am. Back in the past but in the present. Knowing this makes me angry at myself for letting yet another year go by and not changing what I don’t/didn’t like about my life. I started this blog last year as a way for me to look back and being able to read what my thoughts were, I need to see what was to get a feel on what I need to do to move forward, but somehow I managed to be stuck.     As a purely analytical person, having a clear, concise blueprint works for me. I guess knowing who I am and what works for me is a step in the right direction, knowing this I will lay out the blueprints on what I need to do moving forward to move from this never ending cycle i’ve created for myself. So Winnie, read these over and over until you will no longer need to go back to this to know what to do.

1. Let the past go, it happened a long time ago, LET IT GO! NOW!
2. That brick wall you built around yourself needs to come down, as soon as possible.
3. If you want to do something don’t look at other people waiting for their opinions, its called self discovery for a reason, as in do it yourself.
4. A lot of things are preventable, take a step back and think.
5. Do what you need to do to get your career moving forward.
6. Stop fantasizing, you have your feet planted firmly on the ground, get moving.
7. Don’t be where you are in 6 months.

I am not going to reread this post to make sure that the sentence structure is correct or to check to see if my thoughts were written correctly, because life is unpredictable and you never have an option to go back and undo what was done.

12/25/2011

Winnie Sabbat

• A-ge: 25 
• B-est memory: waking up next to my 5 month old niece smiling at me
• C-urious: about everything, I am on a quest to learn as much as possible 
• D-islikes: when people tell me what to do, or what I should be doing 
• E-xcited: by the littlest things, doesn’t take much to make me happy
• F-avorite movie: Pride and Prejudice, I blame my mother for letting me read romantic novels when I was young 🙂
• G-enerous: with my time, money and heart ( I do share my name with a cuddly bear)
• H-eight: 5’4
• I-magination: vivid, it encircles my world
• J-ob title: something something Finance
• K-issable: always 
• L-adylike: when I want to be 
• M-andatory: naps during the day should have never ceased after kindergarden
• N-icknames: nini, bella
• O-bstacle: me, 4 inch heels, Sallie Mae
• P-et peeves: loud and obnoxious people
• Q-uit: my job in heartbeat if I won the lottery, then again wouldn’t everyone
• R-ealistic- 90% of the time especially when it comes to money, 10% when it comes to everything else
• S-peak: up not as much as I should
• T-ravel: the world before I die
• U-nbelievably: loving, passionate and affectionate
• V-aluable: definitely 
• W-ishing: I was somewhere warm, preferably the Caribbean sipping on a drink by the beach
• X-rated: sometimes, please refer to I ^_^
• Y-esterday: was one of the happiest days of the month because I got to leave work at noon
• Z-ero: patience for bullshit

Everyone who knows me knows that I have a sweet tooth. I am even ashamed to admit that I will choose a slice of cake over food, yes it’s that serious and I also have the cavities to prove it. So it wasn’t exactly a surprise to everyone least of all myself that I ventured to the kitchen this afternoon looking for something sweet to munch on.

Alas, there was nothing, my mother is a disciplined diabetic and my little sister aka my personal baker is away at school. I was tempted to go outside to get some chocolate or something but as I was putting on my shoes I was reminded that it snowed last night. Chances are that my car Odessa, would not be please about having to leave her spot.

So I went back to the cabinet and found a box of carrot cake mix. As much as I love sweets especially cakes and pastries, I cannot bake if someone paid me. I suck, seriously I am pretty bad at it. I don’t know if it was the fact that I haven’t felt like myself in so long that I decided to give it another try.

An hour later, the carrot cake was done and I even put icing on it. I must say that it looks rather scrumptious and taste just as good at it looks.

Hurray for me for being brave enough to give baking another try. Maybe I’ll start baking once a month. Happy sunday!

Food has always been and will always be the key to my heart, that and kisses, can’t go wrong with food and kisses. After a particularly tough week, I asked my dear friend Sam to please make me some mangu. Back in the days when we used to work together, on saturdays we would each indulge in the Dominican staple. When that delicious dish was delivered to the branch, she and I, being the aplatanados that we are, would rush to the backroom to fill our hungry and waiting bellies. During the 15 minutes that it took to indulge in it, no words were spoken. Who needs words when you have ahs and yums escaping from your lips in between bites and the occasional humming?

Those memories came rushing back as I sat in her kitchen eating my mangu con queso frito, huevos y salami while receiving baby kisses from Audrey. It’s always the little things that stick with you and Sam that will forever stay with me, I got my favorite two things in one morning. Sorry Elmer, but I really needed my mangu and baby kisses that morning.

For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, here is a picture of I had:

And if you are interested in how this is made go here for the recipe, http://www.dominicancooking.com/532-mangu-mashed-plantains.html