Today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the first day of Lent.
Today was the first time in a really long time that I actually went to church on this specific day.
Today I decided to let go of yesterday as my penitence.
Today is the beginning of the rest of my life.
Yesterday on facebook someone who is my “friend” solely on the fact that I like her hair said something that shook me.
“At least 40 percent of Black girls have been violated sexually. These individuals are our fathers, uncles, grandfathers, cousins, family friends, mother’s boyfriends, baby sisters and pastors-both men and women sickos.” Listen to what the girls in your life won’t say.
Seeing this on my newsfeed brought back a bunch of memories, that for so long I tried to forget. Being sexually violated isn’t something that I will ever forget, something like that never leave you. Up until recently I kept quiet about it, even then it wasn’t something I was really willing to share with people. I kept hoping, waiting for it to go away, but last night my emotions got the best of me and I couldn’t help but cry. For the first time ever I truly cried about what happened, I cried for not saying anything to my mom, to my sisters, I cried because I never spoke up, I cried because after all these years my past still hunts me. I cried for resenting my mother for not protecting me, I cried because I am damaged goods, i just cried and and cried.
I woke up the next day and realized that for the first time in my life i truly acknowledged what happened to me and began accepting it. I began to think about how it affected me all of these years, how it affected my relationship with men, how til this day I am not truly comfortable around a man. Always expecting him to take advantage of me. Always afraid, uncomfortable around men, never truly relaxing around them. For so long I battled with not wanting to be pretty, trying hard not to dress nice because I didn’t want to attract any attention. In the back of my head I could still hear him saying that he couldn’t help himself that it was my beauty that made him touch me.
AGH!!! Why did she have to write that? Why did I have to read it?! Why does it still bother me? This thing, has changed me in so many ways. I don’t, cannot, will not talk about my feelings. I started this blog to write about what I won’t say outloud and even then I am cautious about what I say. Because having someone, anyone even those who don’t know me, know how I am feeling or thinking is way too scary. What kind of life is that?
I stay away from men and whenever I find myself attracted to a guy, I don’t know how to deal with any feelings I have about him. I get uncomfortable but somehow expect him to be my knight in shining armor and save me from myself. That kind of twisted and crazy thinking is unhealthy.
This thing affected me so much that I mostly live in a a fantasy land where I know exactly what will happens and no one will ever hurt me because quite frankly reality hurts, but reality is real and I need to be in it to move on.
Before I can even think about meeting someone and falling in love I have some serious self therapy to do.
Self therapy, is that even a word? Whatever the correct phrase is, I need to do it.
So this is me perfectly imperfect, a continuous improvement.
1/08/2012 1:42 AM
It’s funny how things will seem less bleak the moment you change perspective, almost like magic. Every obstacle, heartache, challenge is subjective. I now realize that and can and will take over the world one obstacle at a time.
Feeling poetic tonight. :), I mean this morning.
Sigh, today is Christmas day and I am laying on my couch looking back at this past year and frankly I am not happy. Not happy because I haven’t done as much as I could have this year. I feel like I am in a matrix where I’ve been through this before, felt this way before but here I am. Back in the past but in the present. Knowing this makes me angry at myself for letting yet another year go by and not changing what I don’t/didn’t like about my life. I started this blog last year as a way for me to look back and being able to read what my thoughts were, I need to see what was to get a feel on what I need to do to move forward, but somehow I managed to be stuck. As a purely analytical person, having a clear, concise blueprint works for me. I guess knowing who I am and what works for me is a step in the right direction, knowing this I will lay out the blueprints on what I need to do moving forward to move from this never ending cycle i’ve created for myself. So Winnie, read these over and over until you will no longer need to go back to this to know what to do.
I am not going to reread this post to make sure that the sentence structure is correct or to check to see if my thoughts were written correctly, because life is unpredictable and you never have an option to go back and undo what was done.
12/25/2011
Winnie Sabbat
Everyone who knows me knows that I have a sweet tooth. I am even ashamed to admit that I will choose a slice of cake over food, yes it’s that serious and I also have the cavities to prove it. So it wasn’t exactly a surprise to everyone least of all myself that I ventured to the kitchen this afternoon looking for something sweet to munch on.
Alas, there was nothing, my mother is a disciplined diabetic and my little sister aka my personal baker is away at school. I was tempted to go outside to get some chocolate or something but as I was putting on my shoes I was reminded that it snowed last night. Chances are that my car Odessa, would not be please about having to leave her spot.
So I went back to the cabinet and found a box of carrot cake mix. As much as I love sweets especially cakes and pastries, I cannot bake if someone paid me. I suck, seriously I am pretty bad at it. I don’t know if it was the fact that I haven’t felt like myself in so long that I decided to give it another try.
An hour later, the carrot cake was done and I even put icing on it. I must say that it looks rather scrumptious and taste just as good at it looks.
Hurray for me for being brave enough to give baking another try. Maybe I’ll start baking once a month. Happy sunday!
Food has always been and will always be the key to my heart, that and kisses, can’t go wrong with food and kisses. After a particularly tough week, I asked my dear friend Sam to please make me some mangu. Back in the days when we used to work together, on saturdays we would each indulge in the Dominican staple. When that delicious dish was delivered to the branch, she and I, being the aplatanados that we are, would rush to the backroom to fill our hungry and waiting bellies. During the 15 minutes that it took to indulge in it, no words were spoken. Who needs words when you have ahs and yums escaping from your lips in between bites and the occasional humming?
Those memories came rushing back as I sat in her kitchen eating my mangu con queso frito, huevos y salami while receiving baby kisses from Audrey. It’s always the little things that stick with you and Sam that will forever stay with me, I got my favorite two things in one morning. Sorry Elmer, but I really needed my mangu and baby kisses that morning.
For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, here is a picture of I had:
And if you are interested in how this is made go here for the recipe, http://www.dominicancooking.com/532-mangu-mashed-plantains.html
I started a new job a couple of weeks ago, aside from the excitement of doing something new and working in a new environment I also got my first work related eye candy. When I first saw him, I was so excited that finally I was somewhere where the men looked good. For two weeks, I oogled, smiled to myself when he walked by, felt like a school girl. That is until today when my fantasy became reality. Dude is… married… with a son…
Why do married men choose not to wear their wedding ring? It truly give us single women false hope. 😦
Regardless I had two weeks of eye candy. Tomorrow when I see him, it will be like seeing the now familiar red colored walls. Talk about a flaccid penis moment.
I have two beautiful nieces and a god-son and those kids saved my sanity on more than one occasion. Last year they spent 5 days with me right after christmas where they almost drove me mad, made me forget about my problems and made me laugh. It was nice. It was around that time that I stumbled on Indigo Charlie and Khleo. Two unsigned artists with great talents. I must have played their song Never Change a thousand times. To the point where Ana aka nana then 2 years old repeated the chorus and sang along whenever I sang it out loud. I’ll never change, I’ll never change, I’ll never change.
Her outfit + hair= badass
20 THINGS I WISH I’D KNOWN AT 20
1. Consider the source. If you’re worried about someone who dislikes you, first ask yourself whether they’re an asshole. If you don’t like them, and they don’t like you, that’s not a problem. That’s a mutual understanding.
2. Get off the couch. If you find yourself playing hard to get, don’t pretend to be busy. Just be busy.
3. Don’t waste your time. If you haveto play hard to get, move on. You’ll know when you’ve found a healthy relationship because it won’t confuse you.
4. When in doubt, shut up. Silence is a smart negotiation tactic, the best option when you’re processing how to respond, and always more productive than lying about what you’re thinking.
5. Don’t complain. Maybe venting makes you feel better, but letting off steam can also lull you into maintaining the status quo. Unfortunately, the status quo is pissing you off, which is why you’re whining in the first place. If you’re frustrated, turn that energy toward fixing your problems, not bitching about them.
6. Don’t obsess. Worrying is complaint’s ugly cousin. Either use that energy to change your situation, or relax.
7. Find an age-appropriate style.No one wants to see a 20 year old in beige slacks and a wool blazer. Buy trendy clothes, wear the slutty dress, do something ugly with your hair. Be part of your generation, so you can laugh at the photos later.
8. Be polite. It keeps doors open, lessens the potential for misunderstandings, and increases the odds of getting invited back to the beach house.
9. But defend your boundaries.When someone isn’t taking no for an answer, clarify what you want, and then respond forcefully. Being polite to someone who isn’t hearing you is naive.
10. You look good. There’s no such thing as the hottest person in the room. Everyone is attracted to something different, so just take those odds and run with them.
11. Being nice is overrated. In fact, “nice” is the least interesting thing someone can say about you.
12. Keep it to yourself. “She seems nice” is an excellent thing to say about someone you don’t like. Particularly in the company of people you don’t know.
13. Know your audience. When you’re telling a story and someone interrupts you, let them.
14. Let your passion shape your profession. You know that thing your dad says? “If work wasn’t hard, they wouldn’t pay you to do it.” Please. There are professional rock stars, astronauts, puppy trainers, and bloggers.
15. Sex is personal. Don’t bother with one-night stands if they’re not your thing, and don’t judge people for enjoying them (or not). Waiting to sleep with someone doesn’t make you an uptight prude, and jumping into bed doesn’t make you a spontaneous adventure seeker.
16. Focus. The saying, “what you’re thinking about is what you’re becoming” isn’t just chilling, it’s a universal law. Be aware of how you’re investing your attention – including your words, and your actions.
17. Cut yourself a break. Don’t offer a running commentary on your own faults. When you do, the people around you listen. Give yourself space to change your character.
18. Don’t be intimidated. World travelers are just people who bought plane tickets. Pulitzer Prize winners are people who sit alone and write. You can break the most profound accomplishment down to a series of mundane tasks.
19. Choose good company. Ask yourself if a person makes you better or drains your life force. If the answer is B, you’re busy next time they call. And the time after that.
20. Enjoy your body. Odds are you’re more beautiful now than you will be again. Ask your roommate.
One of the many things that annoy me, bother me is people’s misconceptions about Haiti, Haitians and what life is like in Haiti. The latest side-eyed worthy comment was ” are you sure you ate that in Haiti and not in America” after sharing my love of french pastries. But who can blame him? People only go by what the media provide for them. To prove my point I googled Haiti images and every image that came up was naked children, hungry children, children in crowded schools, homeless people, military, foreigners feeding hungry naked children in Haiti. Before I lost my mind, I screamed and I found a poem written by Prosper Sylvain Jr, a fellow Haitian expressing the same anger, and discontent as me. His poem speaks on how Haitians are portrayed and what it really means to be Haitian.
You approached me with a smile on your lips
and slapped me five, gave me jive
and a pound of your ignorance
by telling me that I don’t look Haitian.
You shook my hands to welcome me,
and then shook my soul with your audacity,
stating that I don’t sound Haitian.
You asked me if I was sure I was from Haiti
when you are not sure where you are from
and you carry this mentality
to the doorsteps of your white houses
and your media coverage
showing me impoverished
barefoot and hungry
seeking food and water in the slums,
you show the negative of my voodoo drums
in a light of despair.
I don’t look or sound Haitian?
Why?
Is it because I do not have the seawater of Biscayne Bay
dripping from my tattered clothes,
or is it because I am not as dark as you perceived me to be,
did I mess up your entire theory of relativity,
to hell with Einstein, you need to press rewind
so you can see that all relatives of Haitians are not hungry, dark and
comely, like the tents of your media’s Kadar.
I don’t look Haitian you say?
Is it because you did not catch me with a bucket on my head
working in some factory with an accent on my tongue until I’m 40,50,60
dead tired, no I think your notion of me should have expired a loooooong
time ago.
I apologize if there is more to me than voodoo dolls,
and I apologize if there is more to my country than slums, poverty and
hunger, and I apologize if my poetry makes you wonder
if I am really Haitian, product of years of miscegenation.
I apologize if your idea and concept of me
is not what I have proven to be,
100% dark skinned, accent on my tongue,
with an apprehension to stand straight or look you in the eye, no fear
of being hung.
I’m sorry if you thought you’d find me in some sugar cane field,
I know how many of your own people must feel,
catching me with a pen and a college degree in my hand instead of a
machete, turning your lies and stereotypes into silly confetti, you see,
I AM Haitian, doctor, lawyer, teacher, accountant, nurse, and engineer,
my goodness, I think we have instilled an absolute fear deep within your
socio-political pseudo-humanitarian heart, because we have evolved from
your views of primitive art because we were the ones to draw the freedom
chart, is this why you want to keep us apart?
Because we don’t look like what you expected us to be?
Or are you still upset because we declared we were free after riding the
freedom train to it’s 1,804th last stop, upset still because we made the
world’s mouth drop?
Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
Haitians have declared themselves free.
Napoleon and Leclerc embarrassed internationally!
Haiti becomes the original Statue of Liberty!
Denmark Vesey inspired by Ayiti!
Gabriel Prosser inspired by Ayiti even he used August as the month for
his rebellious activity!
Extra! Extra! Read All About It!
We held truths to be self evident before the first shackle, built an
above ground railroad way before Harriet went Underground spoke to
American pharaohs like Moses to let our people go, stood side by side
with Arawaks and Tainos yes, we invoked our Petros AND Shangos, spoke
with the same tongue as Patrick did, give ME liberty or give me death
and before your 13 colonies we built our capital of freedom on 15 hills
of wealth and called it Port of Princes.
I don’t look Haitian (sarcastically)
and you don’t look American,
you don’t look like the indigenous Indian
but you do look like an international comedian
because you’ve got jokes and jokers in your white house
and punch lines filled with coke lines in your congress
political white lies that are blasphemous
stand up comedy in your judiciary that needs to understand that they
need to stand and step down
running your house like a circus with father and son clowns.
My country is a country of rainbows,
mixtures of Arabs, Africans, French and Italianos
side by side with Polish and Jewish
and we all have a fetish
to always be known as Haitian
and not your amalgamation and misrepresentat ion.
I don’t look Haitian (sarcastically)
with my multi-lingual self, English, Yiddish, Kreyol, French and Spanish
filled with powerful history I look so Haitian that you fear me.
Vespuccian sons and daughters,
CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!
Look past my face into my heart and you WILL see,
My only nationality IS defined in three letters.
I E T!
I may not have grown up in a house where a man was in charge because my father passed away when I was 4 but where I lacked a paternal figure, the women around me from then until today definitely made up for most of the void I felt. Starting with my mom, at 5 feet tall she was and still is my rock. There isn’t a time when I don’t go to my mother for advice. She cries with me, prays with me and rejoices with me when times are good. I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without her. Then there is my little sister, we fight like cats and dogs and become each others guard dogs against anyone who dare cross the other. It is a complex yet simple relationship and she my voice of reason my little baby who no matter how old she gets she will be that my baby who I always need to protect. My older sister has gone through so many hurdles in her life and she has managed to come out victorious and smiling despite the physical and emotional scars. I would have been quite satisfied with having those three to guide me in life but I keep being blessed with more and more amazing women. There are many other amazing women in my family, with the main one being my cousin Nathalie. I love you cuzzy wuzzy 🙂
Then there are my friends, you guys have made me open up about things I never though that I could be honest about. I am more vocal, less timid and less of of a pushover because of you. I am now comfortable in expressing myself and in my own skin that ever was. I know that I can rely on all of you whatever, whenever, however.
These women have helped me heal, laugh, cry. I am a better person because of them and I am forever grateful, so this post is dedicated to you all. ALL of you who no matter what, when times were tough, good were there for me. I truly appreciate it
Lately I’ve been thinking about the year ending and the new year. At first I dreaded 2011 because that meant that soon I would turn 25. The dreaded 25, because as my older sister puts it, its all downhill from there. I remember back in high school thinking that 25 was old and how much I would have accomplished by then. When in reality today I am just getting started in my career and I haven’t done half the things I “should” have done. Then I came across an article titled ” How to be a 20 something”. Not only did it make me laugh but it reminded me that my 20s are suppose to be the time when I am carefree, making mistakes and not thinking too much about my future. Because quite frankly I have time. I mean c’mon, we have so many cures for so many things I’m sure that I will live to be 100.
I’m pretty sure that all my friends reading this are saying, about damn time. So instead of making resolutions for 2011, I’ve made some realizations and decisions on how to live the rest of my 20s
For a good laugh check out the article http://thoughtcatalog.com/2010/how-to-be-a-20-something/
How about you? What do you think are some perks of being in your 20s?
I’ve been sick with the flu on and off for the past week and instead of taking it easy and sleeping and focusing on getting better, I have just been working harder and going on as if I am not sick. Let me say this, mind over body thinking hasn’t work for me because a week a later I am worst than I was before. So last Thurday, after another long work day, I get home at 10pm eat and go to bed and end up having one of the weirdest dreams I have had in a while
.
I dreamed that I was part of a family of witches, but the funny thing was that none of of my family members were actually related to me because we all looked different. My family and I would go through different obstacles battling demons and ghosts. The last battle we had was with a ghost at his house and during it he fell in love with one of my sisters, we didn’t kill him but he vowed to get revenge and get my sister and to keep her for forever. After that everyone started noticing that the sister was slowly being drained, becoming a shell of her old self. The ghost was slowly sucking the life out of her. Weird I know but go with it. So to keep her from completely being drained the other “sisters” and I take her out for her bday to a bar so we can all let loose. While I am on the dance floor, I notice this cutie looking at me, but all he is doing is looking and not making a move so to get him to come over I pretend to fall on the floor and “hurting” my ankle. Mister eye candy rushes to my side and brings me to a couch. Side note: it kills me that I am better at getting a guy’s attention in my dream than I am in real life, smh. So mister eye candy brings me to the couch I sit on his lap and we start talking. I’m asking him questions about himself and “getting to know” him better. Problem is that since I am a witch, I can read his mind so me asking all of these questions are just a formality because I already know the answer to all of them. Finally mister eye candy kisses me, and it is the most passionate kiss I’ve had in a while, another sad observation. But this is all cut short because our “father” is outside picking us up. So I offer mister eye candy a ride home because I know that he didn’t drive and that the bus 30 doesn’t run as often this late and that his neighborhood isn’t great, this is all without him saying anything to me. Why this dream is specific, I have no idea. I’ve had this dream before but in reverse where my family and I are the ghost’s house fighting him to get my sister back because he has her and wont let her go.
I am usually pretty good at interpreting dreams, mostly others’ and sometimes my own but this one left me puzzled. When I tell my friend Nikki and my cousin Nat about it, they both said that I have the most vivid imagination ever. Since the dream didn’t make sense to me, I just though that I shouldn’t have gone to bed right after eating. But still decided to tell one more more person about it because it couldn’t just be that I am crazy or that I have a vivid imagination. And it turned out that she gave me a really good interpretation.
” The sister that is being slowly drained and sucked in by the ghost represents one of your friends or an actual sister or someone really close to you that you think that you are slowly losing to someone.” That made perfect sense since I view my friends as my sisters and one in particular I have been worried about being taken away by her bf forever. Yes I am that clingy and one of my biggest fear is to have those who I care about the most leave me. The reason behind that will be part of another post.
” Winnie you have this thing where you think that you already know what every guy you meet is already thinking, and that nothing he will say will be anything new. So you set him and you up for failure before anything even happens” Damn, even my unconscious is tell me to stop being so picky and judgmental.
After hearing her say that to me, the dream wasn’t so weird anymore. I guess sometimes dreams do have meanings behind them. Have you ever had a dream that helped you figure something out?
Stillness Is The Move Lyrics
When the child was just a child
It did not know what it was
Like a child it had no habits
No opinions about anything
Maybe I will get a job
Get a job as a waitress
Maybe waiting tables in a diner
In some remote city down the highway
Chorus:
After all that we’ve been through
I know we can make it after the wait the question is a truth
There is nothing we can’t do
I’ll see you along the way baby the stillness is the move
Aaaaaah oooooh x2
On top of every mountain
There was a great longing
For another even higher mountain
In each city longing
For a bigger city
After all that we’ve been through
I know that I will always love you
From now until forever baby
I can’t imagine anything better
(chorus)
Isn’t life under the sun just a crazy dream?
Isn’t life just a mirage of The world before the world?
Why am I here and not baby over there?
Where did time begin?
Where does space end?
Where do you and I begin?
Country - People - Culture
Working and living the Mommy CEO life!
Kreye lavi ke w vle a ak resous ke w genyen yo
Food. Fashion. Design. Paris.
Perfecting an Imperfect Life
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